Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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