11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
