I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
