This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
