oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
