Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
