fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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