god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize