just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
