When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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