I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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