He kissed a someone with a penis
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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