He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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