the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
