Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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