does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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