I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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