Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
