I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
