It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.