the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.