John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying