I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen