I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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