Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
