Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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