listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
