Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
