guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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