it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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