I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
