I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
