I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
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No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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