Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
