he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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