god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
