Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
