your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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