we have officially lost it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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