With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
