if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
