Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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