i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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