like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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