Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
