weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
