just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
