Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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