I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
