Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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