I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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