hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
worst night to have a conscience
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
