what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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