I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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