Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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