somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
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i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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