Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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