Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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