I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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