When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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