I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
