Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
